How to (actually) do the thing you fear

Yes, really

Feb 01, 2024

If you’re like most people, there is something (or many things) you’d like to do.

You know you should do it. Everyone else thinks you should do it. But something is stopping you.

The technique I’m going to give you here is reason-independent. It could be fear. It could be laziness. Whatever it is, if you can complete this simple exercise, then with a little work you can almost guarantee you’ll do what you set out to do.

For brevity, we’ll call what you’d like to (but can’t yet) accomplish your aversion.

What I describe below is equal parts easy & shocking in its effectiveness.

A classic technique (but with a twist)

Your brain is based on patterns.

Re-routing these patterns is the pinnacle of self-improvement. Where the Chad zigs, you zag. But we want to change that zag to a zig. How do we do it?

I’ll state up front that the solution I’m presenting here is visualization. But I’ve found a way to make it far more effective than I’ve seen elsewhere. Let me give you an example.

I approached 50 businesses in person and pitched them.

Me.

Me who 5 years ago could barely call a business on the phone was now asking a reception desk if I could speak to the owner of the establishment.

I’ve also used this technique to get over the fear of asking out girls (I met my girlfriend on public transport), and as the backbone for my entire system for getting things done (more on that in a later post).

It wasn’t easy, but here’s how I did it.

How I did it - Business example

I would set a timer for 5 minutes, and I’d imagine walking up to a building. I’d feel the nerves, I’d consider walking away… but then I’d gone in anyway. ‘Hi there, I was wondering if you can help me out?’

‘Yes, how can I assist you?’

‘Actually I was wondering if the manager or owner is available?’

The person at reception would disappear for a short while, and then either the owner or manager would arrive in their place, or they would return with a business card saying they weren’t currently available.

(If you read sales books, you’ll recognise why I’m asking for the owner or manager instead of blindly pitching the employee)

And then I did it again - I’d imagine a new building, with a new storefront, but with the familiar nerves. And again I’d go in.

After a few rounds of this, the timer would ring and the session would be over. What I couldn’t do in person, I did in my mind.

A short while after I was eyeing up a beauty shop - after a few minutes of shaky legs, I I got up from the Starbucks I was in, and began walking. I felt like I was in a movie.

I was James Bond and I was about to execute a mission. A meagre one you’d never see in the movies, but one important to me nonetheless.

And then I went in, and somehow the manager agreed to meet the next day for a proper conversation.

What started in the mind filtered through to the real world. Since then, I’ve refined the technique, but the fundamentals remain the same.

How you can do it

Set a timer so you stay focused.
Imagine your aversion
Confront your aversion
Repeat until timer rings.

It’s that simple.

How I did it - Talking to girls

For the longest time, I had trouble talking to girls in any non-forced (i.e. school) setting. But eventually I decided this was silly. Also dating apps were a losing game. So in person was the way to go - but… who does that?

Talking to a woman who’s a complete stranger sounds frightening in all sorts of ways. Especially in this day and age. But I also knew the ability to do it would prove one of the most thrilling and worthwhile investments in my life.

I wish I could say I came up with this idea and the next day I had a girlfriend. Or I came up with this idea and the next day I actually talked to a girl.

I didn’t.

But I also hadn’t fully developed the technique in this article yet (there is an advanced version below for anyone really serious about this).

The process I used was very similar to the business example - except this time I’d sit down, set a timer for 5 minutes, and imagine sitting in a coffee shop and spotting a beautiful girl I’d really like to talk to.

I’d feel the impossibility of connecting with her despite sharing the same space. And then I’d think of something to say - it didn’t have to be good, and if I couldn’t think of anything then I’d just be honest and say I thought she was beautiful and was racking my brain for good ways to say hello to her but, I suppose there is nothing else I can say but, ‘Hi, I’m X.’

Then I’d imagine another scenario - maybe a park, maybe a different time of day… until the timer rang.

When the real life situation would occur, I felt far more emboldened. Then one day, I did it. On a bench sat a girl with a cool, kind of nerdy sweater. I sat nearby, told her I liked her sweater, and we ended up dating for a little while.

This just made all the visualization even more effective. And it’s how I met the girl I’m with now - who’s effectively a 10 out of 10 on every scale I care about. If I hadn’t been able to overcome this fear with visualization, I would have never met her. I mean, who talks to someone on a train?

Again - simple, but effective.

Now, there is a chance that this alone doesn’t get you all the way to asking that girl out, or reaching out to your dream client. So if you’re serious (really serious) about this, here’s the more advanced version.

Visualization (Advanced)

These are the four (4) things that will move the needle so much you’ll break the scale:

Imagining things going wrong
Implementing timers throughout the day
Approaching your aversion IRL but doing nothing
Stacking lots of repetitions in a short time

And this is how/why they work

The Mechanics

1. Imagining things going wrong (affirmations in reverse)

The only reason you aren’t confident is because you’re uncertain. If you knew how to handle the curveballs and the edge cases, you’d be fine.

So what we do instead is we imagine the curveballs and edge cases, and along the way develop partial solutions and partial exposure. Implementing this with 4. will provide an extremely strong basis for confronting your fear.

2. Implementing timers throughout the day

For this - you’ll spread out your timers through the day. Instead of setting a 5 minute timer, you’ll instead visualize for 5 minutes, then set a 60 minute timer that repeats so that you space out your repetitions. The spacing effect has been shown to be beneficial for learning, and I’ve found it to be beneficial in ridding myself of fear as well.

3. Approaching your aversion IRL (but doing nothing)

Going back to the business and talking to girls examples:

When I approached those businesses, occasionally I would an impenetrable wall in front of me. It literally felt impossible for me to walk in. So, I would walk as close as possible, with no pressure on actually going on.

And I’d add this to my visualizations too, to mix things up, and as a variant of 1. - imagining things going wrong.

4. Stacking lots of repetitions in a short time

Volume is a kind of magic. If you could dream confronting your fear 10000 times, do you think you would still have that fear?

It’s similar with visualization - if you crank the volume handle, and amp up the number of reps (possibly using 2. as an accelerator) you can achieve serious gains.

(Bonus) Warming Up

I’m putting this in the bonus section, but it’s possibly more powerful than most of the things above it.

Warm ups can be done with visualization, too - they can help everything feel more legitimate and ‘real’, because sometimes if you jump in the deep end and imagine doing someone you would never do in real life, it can feel kind of unrealistic and like you’re fooling yourself.

But if you warm up first, starting with things smaller than your aversion, then once you reach your aversion the visualization will feel that much more real.

I promise you - if you actually use this technique, you’ll likely find it one of the most powerful things you’ve ever tried.

That’s it for now - I’ll be back next time with more practical advice.

Until then.